I-80 Thoughts

We're on the road again. 

It's weird to think about how you're connected when one of you is on the far East Coast of America, and one of you is traveling to the far West Coast. 

I-80 West and I-80 East.
Semi truck after semi truck.
Sagebrush after sagebrush.
Corn.
Trees.
Sky.
Road. 

Sometimes, it's hard to feel this alone.
Sometimes, it's hard to feel isolated.
In the back of my head I hear... "You chose this. You have no right to complain." 

However, am I really complaining? I don't think so.
I think it's sometimes ok to voice your... I don't know what to call it...
Your confusion?
Your challenges? 

Your life. 

We put in for our next three places only to wait a month... and then in mid August find the next set of answers, the next steps, the next bit closer to where we move. Potentially August. Potentially September. Potentially October. Potentially whenever.

One thing about driving for miles and miles with nothing else to do but think is that your brain finds the little things that are similar. So, for those of you who are still reading, here's a glimpse from 2012.  

We had a disagreement back in the day...
when we were dating the first time. 

B was stuck in California and K was off to Colorado. Making friends, making memories, making time for classes, homework, and events.

K’s life was busy... full. 

B, on the other hand, was home. Where, while his girlfriend was out having new adventures, he was still doing the same thing. He was living a life of one that had been the same for 19 years. One that had not yet changed. 

A lot of times the conversations would go:

B - Well why can't you talk to me?
K - I'm busy.
B - I think you can find time for me.
K - I am meeting new friends, going to classes, working on homework.... I'm busy.
B - I just wanted to say hi... 

Eventually, B took my car and moved to Colorado. 

This did not solve the problem.
Instead there was more... why can't you hang out with me?
and more...  I'm busy with classes, roommates, events... life.

Fast-forward to the current time. I asked B about what it felt like back then to his 19 year old self... he said: Abandoned. 

I think about how we felt back then. I think about how this is our parallel now only in reverse.
K staying in California.
Wrestling with the idea of being alone and waiting.
B in New York.
Meeting new friends, teaching classes, working with college age humans. 

We were both living then.
We are both living now. 

But what does truly living mean? 

I ask myself this question as I am on my way to CA... B on his way to his adventure in NY. 

There may be a lot of parallels yet there's also a lot of differences.... 10 years later, 10 years wiser, 10 years of learning more grace. 

I have the choice to sit or to live with an expectant heart amidst waiting. 

This will not be the last time we are apart.

Others have been apart for longer.
Others have different experiences.
Others have more pain.
Others have harder lives than we do.

Yet.

My emotions are real.
My emotions are valid.
My emotions are something to be valued.

For.

God gave me the ability for these thoughts.
God gave me the ability for these emotions.
God gave me a personality to feel big feels.

I can still cry, and trust God.
I can still stress, and trust God.
I can still be in confusion, and trust God.

I was reminded recently that Jesus cried tears of blood and asked God to redeem humanity in any other way possible. Yet, He was the ultimate instrument of peace.

May we learn more and more how to wait in expectation.
To wait with intent.
To truly live leaning into the life we have...
be that a time of waiting or meeting. 

- Burdi love.

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